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Love Bombing and Trauma Bonding vs Healthy Love
- La' Shae Alexander
- Apr 6, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 8, 2022
“I Know he thinks he Loves me but the way he displays it isn't enough. He is attempting to love me out of trauma and I won’t be loved like a broken woman”
- ShaeisLove -
As of late, I continue to study the ways in which we love, express love, display and crave love. I can't help but notice how many of us so easily mistake trauma responses as love. Be it lust or trauma bonding.
My dating past is quite colorful and while many people can identify failed relationship after failed relationship that is not the history I have. That’s not to say it's been perfect and there haven't been break ups but truth be told my dating experiences have not left me scared with baggage or trauma. Bad things have happened, yes, but it is truly a part of life. I like to say “Even good people do bad things”
Now that you have just a glimpse and insight on a part of my dating thought process and the way I view and experience relationships I want to dive into my thoughts and views on Love vs Trauma Bonding.
While I can very easily distinguish the two I understand that many can not, so let me share some key differences between the two in hopes that we will be more conscious to heal and Love vs Trauma bond.
Trauma Bonding Looks Like;
Lust: Often times when someone is enamored with the physical aspects of a person they are operating out of a lower form of self. As a Sex Educator I am not aloof to how easy it is to have sex. However, in this era of getting flewed out and catching flights not feelings the lust pool continues to grow.
Control, manipulation and isolation: Control shows up in so many forms and unfortunately for both men and women this red flag can be so easily missed. Be it a woman controlling the friends and whereabouts of her partner or a man meeting you as a sex worker and trying to shame you into change. This often stems from their insecurities which show up as them trying to control the ways in which you love them and show up for them in a relationship.
Please note that these displays in relationships oftentimes lead to abuse be it controlling finances or you, and yes women too can use finances to control a partner out of insecurities.
See my article: Toxic Femininity
Rose colored Glasses: This is a double edged sword if I have ever seen one. On one end you have a generation that operates so desperately out of fear this fallacy of the perfect mate is being regurgitated amongst the likes of even the most popular relationship gurus. We are sadly mistaken as a generation to continue to walk around declaring perfection from people we say we want to do life with. On the other hand, it is very easy to look at life through rose colored glasses and choose a partner who reflects everything bad about you. This allows you to not feel so bad about yourself, it gives you an excuse not to change and it's sadly one of the worst ways to trauma bond as it often leads to abuse.
So what does Love look like:
Contrary to popular belief love is not attraction. It is not the butterfly feeling many of us believe we are supposed to have when we meet “the one” Ladies Love IS NOT SEX. My dear, the association with giving your body to a partner for love is not reality. Pleas also note that Love is not to fill impossible voices but it is to support and compliment.
What is does look like:
Respect: Mutually respecting one another does not come at the expense of someone feeling you respect them. It is simply you first respecting yourself and someone choosing to treat you as such.
See my article on “Why I Don't Demand Respect”
Healthy: Love is healthy, it is not abusive, it is NOT trauma bonding. It is two individuals consciously without malice or manipulation, intentionally choosing one another.
If you don't understand healthy love between partners, simply evaluate the love you see around you in your family, home and upbringing. Decide what is normal based on what is safe and consider the relationships in your life that may have taught you trauma.
Seeing healthy is not a requirement for being healthy but it does help. If you lack these representations I suggest seeking therapy, mentorship, coaching, or a support group to work through what you consider healthy and normal, no excuses.
Protection and Provision:
Love is first loving yourself enough to respect and protect yourself mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. In order to do that you have to value yourself enough to know you are a being worthy of protection and provision. Questions to ponder;
Questions to Ponder:
How do I protect myself mentally? How do I protect myself spiritually? How do I protect myself emotionally? How do I protect myself physically?
Does my partner protect me mentally by providing a safe mental space? Does my partner protect me spiritually by respecting my heart and boundaries? Does my partner protect me mentally by providing space for me to grow? Does my partner protect me physically by being honest, protecting and respecting themselves and not exposing me to STI’s and STD’s?
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